The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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