I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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