I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
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You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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