bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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