I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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