I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
