Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
