I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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