someone owes me an orgasm
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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