I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
