I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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