i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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