You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
