Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
he laminated a picture of his dick.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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