if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
