I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
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