Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My ass is underappreciated
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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