How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
