I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
