wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
