How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I checked into jail on foursquare
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
