I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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