you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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