I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
