are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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