In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
