I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
