I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
