is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
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