So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
