I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
