Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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