I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
