Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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