It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
