Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
