im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
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Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
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Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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