At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
