It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
