If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
