She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
