Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
