She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
