I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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