im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
