Where are you?
In a non slutty way
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
