so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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