oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
