The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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