So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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