my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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