Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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