i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
