Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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