seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
We are all done wearing pants today
Randomize
