remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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