I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
