I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I have aggressive nipples.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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