so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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