Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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