If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
