What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
