I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
